This day a year ago

The official time is later today, sometime mid afternoon. I can't tell you for certain as I wasn't there to say goodbye. 

But 13th December 2010 was the day I lost my best friend.

I made a decision that I will never forgive myself for, I was desparate and I just wanted her to live, so I agreed to surgery, the details aren't clear, I couldn't really ask at the time and since then I can't bring myself to query the vet,  but it appears that during surgery something went wrong, her blood pressure dropped and she went.
The last time I saw her face she was being dragged away by some vetenary nurse, I could see her through the window, pleading with her eyes not to leave her .... But I did. 

I bought her home and  we spent the night on the open deck on her favorite bed, we lay together the way we would lay on the beach or on the setee when I felt tired and in need of a cuddle, 

I kept pleading for her to somehow wake up, wanting to feel her soft little body warm again, but it never happened. The next morning I called a lovely woman to come to my home and look after my little girl, I had carried her from the moment she came into my life and I would carry her out. It was the longest most painful walk we had ever taken together. 

Her ashes came home a few days later, back home with us, where she belonged, where she was safe. 

Over the past 12 months I have seen some of the darkest saddest days, I feel a constant sadness and loss that has now just become the norm. Death, illness and loss surround me and I wonder if  this dreadful cycle will ever end or is this now my new reality. I fear for Evie who is ill and my beautiful boy Jedi, knowing I will someday lose them too saddens me and puts me in a constant state of dread. 

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this, I keep myself busy with work and family and each day starts and ends as it always has and always will, the world didn't stop turning, this day last year.

I find myself in those quiet moments when I am laying in bed at night, listening to the noises in our home, trying desperately to hear her breathing at the bottom of my bed, or I lay there quietly crying , hoping not to wake Patrick, who I know misses her deeply.

She was the brightest light in my life for 12 years, she dragged me out of bed some days, she gave me a reason to love again, she made me a better, more compassionate person.

She was my North, my South, my East, my West ... And I miss her.

I love you Sassy girl from your mum ...

wanting what is not possible .. wanting it to last forever

Sassy was an amazing girl, she loved unconditionally, she had the strongest heart and ultimately it was her heart that needed the most attention, she gave herself without a care, she knew when I needed her most, she would greet me with a run, a wiggle and a smile. 

The wiggle and the smile, everyday without fail, even when she was ill, that little tail would wriggle like a rattlesnake!

How do you replace that, can you replace that? 

The answer is, you don't, you can't, you just want it back, you don't want to replace the love, the feeling you got when they greeted you, the peace you felt when they rested their head on your leg.

You don't want it replaced, you simply want it back.

She always looked worried ….

Well not always … but after a few years it became apparent that Sassy was accident prone!

It started off with cut paws (but that was kinda my fault remember) then there was the road accident (which I can’t speak about just yet, one day I’ll share)

Over a period of time we used to joke that Sassy always looked worried when we left the house, then we started adding up the accidents that resulted in stitches, antibiotics, bandages, anesthetic and the humiliation of all humiliations … the ELIZABETHEAN COLLAR!

The first injury I can recall was a painful one both Sassy and Evie shared up in Daylesford ..running with some of their oldest pals, Thisby, who left us last year, Jock and of course Evie they ran around all day and most of the night, hunting and exploring their way around 20 acres, at the end of two days they limped gingerly into the car the pads on their paws split and bleeding (it hadn’t stopped them from running and running and running) … and the HEAT coming off them, scorching … anyway, straight to Lort Smith after hours, doctors orders .. keep off their feet and rest up for a few days … which both Evie and her did on their dog beds with some wet cooling cloths.

Believe it or not the next accident occurred, or should I say reoccurred in Daylesford, however this time it was a solo injury, whilst participating in the cross country run she must have not jumped high enough over a rock and cut her ‘nunnie’ … so another trip to the Lort Smith … this time we left with the dreaded collar! How embarrassing … hit at both ends!

The one after that was a beach accident I think … dew claw … Lort Smith … blue bandage … antibiotics … great shot!

The next was a nasty one, a fight with Evie over a bone … it was an even fight but Sassy came out worse off with a bite on the lip, 24 hours later I swear she looked like she had been a round with Mike Tyson her lip was MASSIVE, this time to the local vet, antibiotics and some humble pie were in order.

There was another dew claw in there somewhere and I am sure it came with a hood but that didn’t last long ..

The next was a classic … out having a run with Jedi, Evie and a tennis ball and it’s all good fun … next thing you know … the ball is in the air … the sun must have been in their eyes as they both jumped … then CRACK! Jedi and Sassy both leapt up .. there was a head-high tackle a bit like watching Big Bad Barry Hall and Akermanis going for the same ball .. then smack and next thing you know .. Sassy is missing the top of an incisor! Off to the canine dentist .. we had a few options, of which the most bizzare ( not to mention the most expensive) was a crown that we could PIMP UP with either a faux stone OR we could have the colors of our favorite footy club, to this day I don’t know what’s worse, that there is a market for dogs with pimped teeth or that the dentist thought we might be ‘that’ kind of customer.

It was pretty quite there for a while … the odd niggle but nothing to warrant a visit to the vet or me shoving a pill down her throat.

The last big one was when Sassy went from Sassy Dog to Sassy ”SUPER” Dog … we had taken them all for a run … nothing over the top but Sassy was limping much more than she ever had, so off to the vets and an X-ray later we identify some arthritis, a lot really … so we started one some shots and saw some improvement, but I was sure we could do more … so next visit I say to the vet … “is there anything else we can do, acupuncture, physio, chiro, herbal medications anything” … he shakes his head and in a less than enthusiastic tone says “you could amputate, dogs recover well, they can easily adapt to 3 legs” it took every ounce of self control to not launch myself over the table and nut this bloke! Good intent but bad bedside manner …

Next visit we spoke to the attending vet, who told us about Super Vet Dr Chris Preston who was doing some early work in joint replacements in dogs, human surgeons and nurses as well as the veterinarian team, that was it … went for our interview, he checked us all out … Sassy for compatibility with the study and me for my dedication to rehab … we both got a BIG TICK and next thing you know my Sassy was booked in for a new hip and knee. First dog in Australia and with the quickest recovery … they operated on the Friday and called me later that day to let me know I would have to leave her in the weekend … I was devastated, but she needed observation and rest … so I relented … I got a phone call early on the Sunday morning to let me know that they thought that Sassy could go home early … apparently she had been kicking up a bit of a ruckus and they couldn’t keep her down … so I go and pick her up and she WALKS OUT of the vets … Chris was very impressed and I was elated and the pride I had that day when we left was immeasurable.

What did Sassy teach me? Never give up and always give everything you have got .. she never gave up, not matter how hard or how much pain, she always gave it 100% and she gave it for me … she would see me though a door or a window and that was it … nothing would hold her back .. the love we had for each other was boundless and we would have done anything to make the other happy … but really all she had to do was look at me … and all I had to do was look back … and we were happy …

Today I forgot her ....

Every day since Sassy’s remains came home I have cared for her….

I move her from room to room with me when I am at home …
When I go to bed she comes into the bed room and is next to my pillow …
And when I go to work I put her in the family room with Evie and Jedi ….

Except for today ….

Today Sassy stayed in the bedroom because I forgot her, I left her alone in our room all day.

And now I can’t forgive myself for forgetting her ….

So many men .... so little time

Oh those were the days …..

Unlimited supply of men to flirt with!

From an early age Sassy had an eye for the boys and them for her, one of her first conquests was Clint from Something for Kate, hook line and sinker!
There wasn’t a studio session that went by where Sassy didn’t break a heart or make a friend and it was the boys that she wooed, girls were ok but the boys were special.
If they were singing, tuning a guitar, playing a guitar, sitting even sleeping she would find a way to get up close and personal.

The Major was another conquest, many a nap on the studio lounge they shared, she took complete advantage of him, but I am sure to this day he loved every minute of it.

And of course the biggest love of all, Patrick so often I would find them cuddled up together, in the bed room, in the garden in the sun, even on the couch having a beer, one of Pat’s favorite pastimes and therefore one of Sassy’s.

Right up until the end they had a special bond that made me jealous sometimes, she adored Pat and he her.

He misses her snuggles, I know he does and it makes me sad to know that she will never look into his eyes and he into hers again.

But the memories of those moments I hope will soon become beautiful and less painful, I still can't belive she is gone, she was such an impossibly big part of my world, my heart is broken.

To my beautiful ‘sassy’ Sassy girl, oh what a heartbreaker!

She smiled at me

She smiled at me ….

When she was at the beach
When she was at the park
When you were about to give her CHICKEN!
When you came home and she saw it was you at the gate
Although NOT when I danced and NOT when I sang but definitely if a boy sang, Nipper to name one who would have her mesmerized
When you caught her on the bed

But the best smile of all was when we snuggled it was pure bliss for her to be laying next to me or Patrick, wrapped up in our arms.

Life didn’t get any better and even on the weekend before she died we spent it snuggled up together at the vets and even then ….

She smiled at me

Very sad days

Some days I get through with few tears and sad moments, work is a welcome distraction, but what I have realised is that while it is not a constant pain any longer, it is like you are being rolled in barbwire there are nanoseconds of calm between each barb then there is excruciating pain when you realise that they have gone and all you have left are the memories and the ashes.

I carry her box around the house with me, from room to room, lounge if we are all in there, bedroom at night and if I forget about her, I then chastise myself.

Her loss is unacceptable to me and while I realise that this is life, I can still be un-accepting of it, just like Sisyphus, he would roll his rock up the hill and it would roll back down which was unacceptable, but he still shook his fists at the gods.

We took Evie and Jedi to the beach yesterday, they loved it, but Sassy would have loved it too, her favorite place was the beach, we would go down every morning when we lived in northern NSW we would walk along the beach, she would run in to the surf to catch sticks or tennis balls, take in so much saltwater she would be sick but she loved it and I love watching her absolute exhilaration at being there.

We don’t get to witness others experiencing shear exhilaration everyday and that energy was infectious and taught me to love every moment of every day that I am with people I love and care for.

Many people don’t allow themselves to be the truly happy souls we desire to be, they hold back, dogs are just happy souls, they don’t worry about what others will think or say, what we wear or how much we earn, they love us for who we really are in those moments where we look deep into their eyes and share a secret. They are the true examples of pure souls.