The cycle of pain

I have spent the past week oscillating between extreme mourning and a numb sadness that rots your soul.

It's strange to see people going about their business and common sense tells me that of course they don't know what horrible thing has happened, but another part of me is screaming inside that they are oblivious that the world has lost a special soul.

in my head I know she has gone, my constant companion for over 12 years, my confidant, the little girl who knew all my secrets, the one that would look so deep in to my soul with those golden brown eyes that she knew me better than anyone, in the midst of all of this "knowing" though I just want her back, I want this huge hole in my heart to be filled with her love again, I don’t want to “get over her” I don’t want to “move on” I sometimes don’t even want it “to get easier”, because by it getting easier I feel that if I am not mourning enough and if I'm not mourning enough then I am not doing her passing away justice, as her passing deserves a lifetime of mourning.

Selfishly I just want her back, back on my bed, back on the settee with me at night, where I sat on 25% and her little body had the rest, I want her at the gate when I come home doing her happy dance I want her running to the kitchen when she hears a plastic bag because she thinks it has chicken in it, I want her barking at me when I turn the music up and start dancing but most of all I want her to be here with me enjoying the sunny spot she had found on the floor in front of our window, sleeping while I pottered around.

I just want her back, nothing else matters.

Soft paws??

I think Sassy and I had been together for about 3 months, I was taking her in for a check-up at the local vet in Elwood.

All seemed to be as it should be, but I was a concerned about her paws, she had cut one of her pads on the way to the park and it wasn't healing properly.

So I ask the vet if there was anything I should be doing?

He looks at her paws and her history card and back at her paws, scratching his head and shaking it in confusion he looks at me and says "I'm surprised at this, for her age she should have started to develop callus on her pads"

He looked confused and bewildered!

So I pipe up .... "Hypothetically, if someone were to moisturise a dogs paws would that stop these callus from developing?"

At this point he is shaking his head in disbelief, "have you been moisturising your dogs paws?"

At this point I realise my goose is cooked and have to admit, that each night when we are sitting on the couch after doing my own nails and moisturising that I do the same for Sassy, then we have a cup of tea and watch TV or read a book, a true girls night in!

Her paws were very well maintained, although she HATED getting her nails clipped. Her tip-tapping walk was her call sign, you could tell it was her entering a room from her wiggle and her tapping!

Sassy - in the beginning

I can't recall why or what prompted me to get a dog, there could have been a number of contributing reasons. I had seen the joy that Neve (Craig's Sharpei) had bought to my life in the studio, I also met a few people who had dogs and again saw the awesome relationship they had.
I had moved in to a new house, it had a little garden perfect for a puppy and most of all companionship and unconditional love.

So after much coaxing I was able to not only get an advance on my wages but I was also able to borrow the bosses car to go and pick her up.

I can't remember where I drove to, it was in the suburbs somewhere, but I had seen an ad in the Trading Post for Staffy pups, I called ahead and the guy said "I've got one left, a female, white with a black patch" I said hold her, I'll be right over.

On arrival it was a pet shop, but I had made it all this way so I went in, I remember there was a little kid taunting this tiny little puppy in it's cage, his mum said they would think about it and come back later then left.

I looked at her face and immediately knew we had just saved each others lives she mine and mine hers, I believe in fate, we were meant to be together.

So in my lap she sat, sitting up looking around all sassy like and by the time we got back to the studio, she was named and I was pleased to present my Sassy girl!

Sassy - The last post

This is the last thing I posted on Facebook in response to the overwhelming response from my friends to the news that my little girl Sassy had died.

"To everyone who has posted I can't thank you enough. Sassy was my special girl, she had been with me since 5 weeks of age and spent every day (bar the odd uni class) with me for two years our bond was cast and set.

She saw me through some very hard times, on some days she was the reason I got out of bed some mornings, she gave my life purpose.

Patrick came along and fell in love with her just as she fell in love with him (occasionally a source of jealousy for me :)). We then got her a sister Evie and another special bond was cast and set, Jedi was next and our family was complete.

Over the years she has been my constant companion. She made me a better person, she taught me compassion and respect and love for all beings. She had eyes that drew you in and a smile that rocked my world!

She also had heart as bigger than any human being I know and for those of you who met Sassy you were aware of her special nature and constant affection.

We were all blessed to have shared moments with her. I miss her dearly. My heart aches and there is a hole that can not be filled. She was my best friend and I will miss her.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, texted and called. The outpouring of warmth and generosity is overwhelming.

But please celebrate and remember my girl. She is a far greater soul than I will ever be, it is she who deserves your love.

Thank you friends XXXXX"

One of my biggest concerns is that I'll forget her, all the times we shared and all the little things that made her my best friend and why she had such a special way with people.

I have decided to start a blog about my our life with Sassy, it will be both a cathartic exercise and hopefully will introduce more people to my gorgeous girl.