The cycle of pain

I have spent the past week oscillating between extreme mourning and a numb sadness that rots your soul.

It's strange to see people going about their business and common sense tells me that of course they don't know what horrible thing has happened, but another part of me is screaming inside that they are oblivious that the world has lost a special soul.

in my head I know she has gone, my constant companion for over 12 years, my confidant, the little girl who knew all my secrets, the one that would look so deep in to my soul with those golden brown eyes that she knew me better than anyone, in the midst of all of this "knowing" though I just want her back, I want this huge hole in my heart to be filled with her love again, I don’t want to “get over her” I don’t want to “move on” I sometimes don’t even want it “to get easier”, because by it getting easier I feel that if I am not mourning enough and if I'm not mourning enough then I am not doing her passing away justice, as her passing deserves a lifetime of mourning.

Selfishly I just want her back, back on my bed, back on the settee with me at night, where I sat on 25% and her little body had the rest, I want her at the gate when I come home doing her happy dance I want her running to the kitchen when she hears a plastic bag because she thinks it has chicken in it, I want her barking at me when I turn the music up and start dancing but most of all I want her to be here with me enjoying the sunny spot she had found on the floor in front of our window, sleeping while I pottered around.

I just want her back, nothing else matters.