This day a year ago

The official time is later today, sometime mid afternoon. I can't tell you for certain as I wasn't there to say goodbye. 

But 13th December 2010 was the day I lost my best friend.

I made a decision that I will never forgive myself for, I was desparate and I just wanted her to live, so I agreed to surgery, the details aren't clear, I couldn't really ask at the time and since then I can't bring myself to query the vet,  but it appears that during surgery something went wrong, her blood pressure dropped and she went.
The last time I saw her face she was being dragged away by some vetenary nurse, I could see her through the window, pleading with her eyes not to leave her .... But I did. 

I bought her home and  we spent the night on the open deck on her favorite bed, we lay together the way we would lay on the beach or on the setee when I felt tired and in need of a cuddle, 

I kept pleading for her to somehow wake up, wanting to feel her soft little body warm again, but it never happened. The next morning I called a lovely woman to come to my home and look after my little girl, I had carried her from the moment she came into my life and I would carry her out. It was the longest most painful walk we had ever taken together. 

Her ashes came home a few days later, back home with us, where she belonged, where she was safe. 

Over the past 12 months I have seen some of the darkest saddest days, I feel a constant sadness and loss that has now just become the norm. Death, illness and loss surround me and I wonder if  this dreadful cycle will ever end or is this now my new reality. I fear for Evie who is ill and my beautiful boy Jedi, knowing I will someday lose them too saddens me and puts me in a constant state of dread. 

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this, I keep myself busy with work and family and each day starts and ends as it always has and always will, the world didn't stop turning, this day last year.

I find myself in those quiet moments when I am laying in bed at night, listening to the noises in our home, trying desperately to hear her breathing at the bottom of my bed, or I lay there quietly crying , hoping not to wake Patrick, who I know misses her deeply.

She was the brightest light in my life for 12 years, she dragged me out of bed some days, she gave me a reason to love again, she made me a better, more compassionate person.

She was my North, my South, my East, my West ... And I miss her.

I love you Sassy girl from your mum ...